As Told By The Avengers
by SillySmiley
Summary: An anthology of general Avengers sillyness. Current postings: Songs as Sung by Thor and Hawkeye and Fury: Fashion Police. Future Chapters: "Back in My Day!" with Captain America; Texts From Thor; Girl Talk with Black Widow; Heart-to-Heart with Loki Laufeyson; Bruce and Tony, the Science Guys!; Fan Mail; The Avengers Owner's Manuel; and more!
1. DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

**A/N: So, I've been caught up in writing a Hunger Games fiction lately. As proud of myself as I am for keeping it updated relatively frequently (a 3,000-word chapter every month, about, though that will change now that I've started my educational courses at some establishment again… Like I'm going to even hint at my age, buahaha), I feel myself getting caught up in keeping a consistent plot, trying to keep everyone in character, and generally just letting the drama that I just wrote weigh on me. To sum it up, I need a break; I need to write something silly to loosen up. And what better muse than the Almighty Thor (or other Avengers, if I want to include them later)? My friend and I have recently taken up using his jargon in our speech, and I find myself wanting to keep going – to keep writing. So, I'm basically doing this for fun. Don't judge my competency as an author only on this work (or my Twilight "Edward's Drunk" story, because I wrote that a long time ago ^^;). **

**Anywhoosle, enjoy Thor's ramblings :)**

* * *

Songs as Sung by Thor, Chapter 1: "Dial Me, Perchance?"

_And now, presenting the Almighty Thor, god of thunder, with the Asgardian rendition of "Call Me, Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen: "Dial Me, Perchance?"_

I PROPELLED A DESIRE INTO A DAMP PIT!  
ASK ME NOT, I SHALL NOT DIVULGE TO YOU!  
I GAZED AT YOU AS SAID DESIRE FELL!  
ALAS, YOU ARE IN MY PATH!

I WOULD BARTER MY SPIRIT FOR A DESIRE  
MONETARY COINS IN EXCHANGE FOR AN INTIMATE LIP TOUCH!  
I WAS NOT IN SEARCH OF THIS!  
ALAS, YOU ARE IN MY PATH!

YOUR GLOWER WAS CAPTIVATING!  
TATTERED PANTALOONS WITH FLESH REVEALED!  
BALMY EVENING WITH MOVING AIR CURRENTS!  
TO WHERE DO YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE VENTURING, DEARHEART?!

HELLO! I JUST MADE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE!  
AND THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!  
HOWEVER, HERE IS THE CODE TO ACCESS MY CELLULAR DEVICE!  
DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

GAZING AT YOU IS DIFFICULT, DEARHEART!  
HOWEVER, HERE IS THE CODE TO ACCESS MY CELLULAR DEVICE!  
DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

HELLO! I JUST MADE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE!  
AND THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!  
HOWEVER, HERE IS THE CODE TO ACCESS MY CELLULAR DEVICE!  
DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

ALSO, ALL OF THE OTHER FELLOWS!  
ATTEMPT TO RUN AFTER ME!  
HOWEVER, HERE IS THE CODE TO ACCESS MY CELLULAR DEVICE!  
DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

YOU WAITED WITH CALLING!  
I WAITED LESS TIME WITH FALLING!  
YOU DID NOT GIVE ME A THING!  
ALAS, YOU ARE IN MY PATH STILL!

I COMMIT UNSPEAKABLE CRIMES!  
THOUGH I HAVE TRUE FORESIGHT!  
I KNEW NOT THAT I WOULD FEEL THIS!  
ALAS, IT IS IN MY PATH!

YOUR GLOWER WAS CAPTIVATING!  
TATTERED PANTALOONS WITH FLESH REVEALED!  
BALMY EVENING WITH MOVING AIR CURRENTS!  
TO WHERE DO YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE VENTURING, DEARHEART?!

HELLO! I JUST MADE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE!  
AND THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!  
HOWEVER, HERE IS THE CODE TO ACCESS MY CELLULAR DEVICE!  
DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

GAZING AT YOU IS DIFFICULT, DEARHEART!  
HOWEVER, HERE IS THE CODE TO ACCESS MY CELLULAR DEVICE!  
DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

HELLO! I JUST MADE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE!  
AND THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!  
HOWEVER, HERE IS THE CODE TO ACCESS MY CELLULAR DEVICE!  
DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

ALSO, ALL OF THE OTHER FELLOWS,  
ATTEMPT TO RUN AFTER ME!  
HOWEVER, HERE IS THE CODE TO ACCESS MY CELLULAR DEVICE!  
DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

BEFORE YOU ENTERED MY LIFE,  
YOU WERE DEARLY MISSED!  
DEARLY MISSED!  
DEARLY MISSED!

BEFORE YOU ENTERED MY LIFE,  
YOU WERE DEARLY MISSED!  
YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU WERE DEARLY MISSED!

GAZING AT YOU IS DIFFICULT, DEARHEART!  
HOWEVER, HERE IS THE CODE TO ACCESS MY CELLULAR DEVICE!  
DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

HELLO! I JUST MADE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE!  
AND THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!  
HOWEVER, HERE IS THE CODE TO ACCESS MY CELLULAR DEVICE!  
DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

ALSO, ALL OF THE OTHER FELLOWS  
ATTEMPT TO RUN AFTER ME!  
HOWEVER, HERE IS THE CODE TO ACCESS MY CELLULAR DEVICE!  
DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?

BEFORE YOU ENTERED MY LIFE,  
YOU WERE DEARLY MISSED!  
DEARLY MISSED!  
DEARLY MISSED!

BEFORE YOU ENTERED MY LIFE,  
YOU WERE DEARLY MISSED  
YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU WERE DEARLY MISSED!

DIAL ME, PERCHANCE?


	2. The Steroid Crazed Ninja Turtle

**A/N So I just had the idea to add a "Fan Mail" segment to the ATBTA anthology. So, if you have some fan mail for any Avengers (Loki included) member, you can leave those letters in reviews or PM me, and I'll dedicate a chapter to your responses . I'll write either your fanfiction penname, or you could request an alternate alias to be added into the chapter, if you prefer. **

**-Silly**

* * *

Hawkeye and Fury: Fashion Police, Chapter 1: "The Steroid-Crazed Ninja Turtle"

_Our scene begins on a set depicting a talk show format; Two, padded stool-chairs are set to one side of a raised coffee table, monitors positioned vertically on either side of the chair. Two coffee mugs with the network's logo emblazoned on the ceramic exteriors sit on the table top. Fake potted plants and rugs decorate the studio. The floor is hardwood. There is arena seating for the awaiting audience to gather in._

_Enter HAWKEYE and FURY, our hosts for this most exciting pilot episode of _Hawkeye and Fury: Fashion Police. _The audience stands on cue for an enthusiastic round of applause, and our hosts wave back with reluctant smirks and take their seats behind the raised coffee table._

HAWKEYE: Hello, and welcome to Fashion Police. I'm Hawkeye, and with me is my superior, Nick Fury. Now, we had originally planned to host a show on weapons tactics at the time I had suggested Natasha host this fashion segment. Of course she had to be all _(cue sardonic feminine tone_) 'That's such a sexist suggestion, Clint! Are you just saying that because I'm a _girl_, therefore I _automatically know_ all about _fashion_!?_' (/tone)_ and I'm all, 'No, Nat! That's not what I was saying!' and she's all, _(feminine tone)_ 'How about _you _and _Fury_ do that segment!' _(/tone)_ and I'm all 'Fine then!'

…

So that's how we were stuck with this slot. BUT, we'll make the most if it, right Fury?

FURY: Sure we will.

HAWKEYE: Great. Well, _(addresses note cards in his hand) _let us begin. Today, we'll be comparing superhero costumes over the years. I know I've been through my share of makeovers, as have other superheroes in the Marvel and _(cough)_ DC _(/cough)_ universes. We'll take two images of any given super hero or heroine donning two of his or her costumes, display them on these monitors set up on either side of our desk, and discuss the merits of each costume change. Today, we have The Incredible Hulk, Bruce Banner, in his 1962 debut as a gray, almost Frankenstein's-Monster-esque being. We'll be comparing his debut look with his later adaptation as a more muscular, green creature. Fury, your thoughts?

FURY: _(looks at monitor) _Now he looks like a mean, steroid-crazed ninja turtle_. (audience laughs) (FURY sips coffee)_

HAWKEYE: That is very insightful. I never made that connection before.

FURY: Just rip a strip of his purple shorts and tie it around his head, and he's practically Donatello's twin. _(audience laughter)_

HAWKEYE: I don't think Bruce can afford to lose any more clothing. He's practically naked in his most recent adaptation. In his earliest form, he donned a shirt with torn sleeves. What are the pros and cons of more vs. less clothing?

FURY: …You don't expect me to answer that, do you?

HAWKEYE: Er- well, here's what I think; because Bruce's Hulk form is practically indestructible, undefeatable, invincible, or however else you want to say it, he doesn't need any protective gear like the rest of us do- well, except maybe Thor. Would you trade costumes with Hulk for a day?

FURY: Do I keep my eye patch? _(audience snickers)_

HAWKEYE: No, that's traded too.

FURY: Then no.

HAWKEYE: What, exactly, does it look like under your eye patch, F-

FURY: What in God's name does this have to do with Bruce's costume?! _(audience laughs)_

HAWKEYE: Nothing, really… Moving on, do you like Hulk's old or new look more?

FURY: The old. Gray is more inconspicuous than the noxious green he transforms into now.

HAWKEYE: I'm partial to the green. I think he's the only super hero that's ever pulled off green. Green Hornet? Does anybody take that guy seriously? And Green Lanterns? Their patron is a lamp… They don't have innate talent like the rest of us and needs a ring to do their work for them.

FURY: Tony needs his suit to be a super hero. Without it, he's just a-

HAWKEYE: _(mocking tone)_ Genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist? _(/tone) _I swear if I hear that quote one more time, somebody's getting an arrow in the eye.

FURY: _(glares at HAWKEYE… with his ONE EYE)_

HAWKEYE: Oh- uh… sorry, Chief. What were you going to say? _(audience laughs)_

FURY: I was pointing out the fact that Tony needs his suit in order to be a super hero, and without it he's just a mortal man like the rest of us. So the jab at the Green Lanterns was moot. _(sips coffee) _

HAWKEYE: _(pouts because he knows FURY is right)_ Okay, moving on, I like the new Hulk more. _(Looks at watch_) Oh, would you look at the time! Looks like that's the end of our pilot segment! Please join us again for our next episode of Fashion Police. I hear there's going to be a secret guest… Bye!

_(audience stands and applauds) (HAWKEYE AND FURY walk through audience, shaking hands)_

_(credits roll)_

_(end scene)_


End file.
